Life has
its ups and downs, people fall down and stumble, but they move back up again,
at least some of them still do. Hardships are the challenges that confront us within
our path, and they make us question ourselves, blame them, beat them up, and
even bruise them, but we can never hold ourselves up, look
forward and walk down the road without fixing our souls and making peace with
ourselves. No matter how hard we tried we can never be “healthy” again and
fully recovered from our soul bruises unless we made a decision that we can
continue and we are not stopping.
To tell
the truth, I have faced one of the most excruciating hardships in my entire 21
year old life; I couldn’t write a word!! Yes, I could not!! For more than a
week I could not hold a pen to write a single word, as a matter of fact I couldn’t
even open a new word document even to try, I didn’t have the courage to do!! When
I had an idea, I was typing it down using my mobile, and the most painful thing
I faced during this hardship was that I had like a million idea to talk about
and share, but I just could not find the right words!! For more than a whole
week, nearly two weeks now, I could not, it was impossible for me to write more
than a couple of sentences about my new idea!! And let me tell you, that was a
huge pain I was experiencing within my heart, because I could not speak up my
mind through my words!! I could not express what was going on with my soul, the
things that no one knows about, but I usually have no problem writing about them.
I bet some people as they are reading this right now say ironically:" not
capable of writing is one of her most excruciating hardships?!! What a psycho!!"
But ironically, yes, it was, and that is because I consider writing as the
window that I stand up in, letting my breath the only one that is heard, and me
just standing there soaking into the sun, letting go of all of my inner soul
bruises, writing is my healer, my psychiatrist, it is really the only thing
that is giving me the opportunity to be free, writing gives me freedom, freedom
from all of the pain, the hurt, the people, life cuffs that are holding my soul
down and keeping my heart from flying and smiling, and that is why I named this
blog “P.S. Freedom writings”, because that is what these writings do to me, they
are freeing my soul. And that what made this hardship so painful, because my
soul was held in cuffs, I couldn’t cry out for help, I could not yell, I just
could not write!!
Until the
moment I decided to write, it was the most liberating decision I have ever
made, that I will open a new word document and I will write, no matter what, I will
write now, not tomorrow or the day after, and not about the million ideas that I
have been holding up to in my mind, I decided that I will write about what I am
writing about now, with a very sincere heart in every single word and every
single letter. I decided I will no longer experience this sort of writing
sickness that I had, I will no longer miss writing as I did, I just made a decision
that came out of my heart.
So I prepared
a cup of tea, with cream and a half spoon of sugar, with a cup of water, on my
mother’s silver tray, like I was some sort of a professional writer or
something, and played a sound track I named “peace of mind”, muted the TV, and
sat down with a smile, not just a face smile, but a heart smile too, the kind
of smile that makes your soul smile, that makes your heart beats so fast and so calm
in the same time, that makes your eyes tear up out of joy, that makes you hold
your breath, fearing that if you breathe once more, you may lose it, this kind
of smile, the smile that you have when you are in love, when you are satisfied,
when you are purely happy, when you are having a moment of pure joy.
I couldn’t
really know what was holding me back, and keeping me from writing, maybe I was
tired and I wanted to stop, maybe because I was bruised, maybe because I lost
some dear people to my heart and I know deep down that I will never have them
again, and I will never let myself do so neither, maybe because I was angry,
and maybe because I could not make a single decision, because I doubted myself,
I said over and over again I could not do it, and I do not deserve to live this
joyful writing experience, I beat myself and punished my soul with keeping it
cuffed, prisoned, held back. But I realized I made a huge mistake, because I was
not moving forward, I was standing still, I was suffering, was wasting time,
time I cannot have it back bruising myself even more, so the moment I decided I
was going to write, the moment I decided to let go…
Remember when
I told you that no matter how hard we tried we can never be “healthy” again and
fully recovered from our soul bruises unless we made a decision that we can
continue and we are not stopping. This is all it takes, and by “it” I mean
life, decisions, either we convince ourselves that we are going to fail and
fall, or we are going to stand up again and do it. And this reminds me of an
ancient wisdom story about a Japanese emperor, that had a habit of flapping a
coin in front of his army before any war, and tells them that if it was a head,
this means they are going to win this war, but if it was a tail, they are going
to lose it, and wonderfully every single time it was a head, and they won every
battle, and day after another the Japanese emperor was very sick, and while he
was on his death bed, his son came to him asking for that magical coin that made
them win every single battle, so he handled that coin to his son, and his son
was very surprised at that moment finding out that the coin’s both sides were
heads!! So he asked his father with his heart full of doubt: “what am I going
to tell our army; that their great emperor is a decisive one?!!” so the great
emperor smiled and told him: “I did not deceive any of you, life is full of
battles, and you only have two choices while you are confronting them; either
you win or you win, failure only occurs when you think about failing, and
winning happens when you believe in it”. We are never defeated, unless we give
up.
I just
read that story yesterday, and once I have read it, I knew something has
changed within me for the rest of my life, I felt it. And that was another decision;
the decision of believing that I can win my own battles and it doesn’t matter
if I lost one or two, as long as I have sincerely tried with all my heart, and
here I am finishing the most liberating article I have ever written in my whole
life, winning this battle of how I can really hold myself back up again, how to
let go and move on with my heart smiling, and my tear full eyes out of a moment
of pure joy. ♥
Sunday, 27 January, 2013, 7:10 am
No comments:
Post a Comment